Spiritual Growth and Relationships
Posted on August 16, 2008
Filed Under Releasing Limiting Beliefs, Spiritual Development |
One of the most common relationship concerns among my clients and students is: “What if I evolve spiritually, but my partner doesn’t?” It’s a good question!
Relationships and Spiritual Growth
From a spiritual perspective, relationships serve our growth. That is their only function. We attract people into our lives for the sake of our expansion. They become our mirrors, showing us the aspects of ourselves we deny - both our gnarly, ugly bits and our Divine magnificence. Our relationships with others reflect our relationship with ourselves, which is the same as our relationship with the Divine.
Attracting a Partner
The Law of Attraction is simple: Like attracts like. We attract romantic partners that are in a similar state of spiritual evolution. We will be in a matching vibrational state. We may resonate similarly with abundance, love, or share beliefs about family, relationships, and money. This is why we are drawn to each other. Additionally, the other person will usually hold a vibration we are looking for. Perhaps they are more comfortable receiving than we are, or they inspire the trust we desperately need to have in ourselves and others. The likenesses in our vibrational states allow us to connect. The differences in our vibrational states create opportunity for growth.
Settling into a Relationship
The differences between ourselves and our partner are a tremendous source of growth and learning. We are willing to step out of our comfort zone, our existing patterns and perspectives in order to be with this person, and so we grow. Over time, our vibrational patterns adapt to each other and become increasingly similar. The relationship becomes comfortable and easy. It also ceases to be a source of growth … until one partner or the other decides to once again change their vibrational state. New energetic differences emerge as one partner makes a career change, embarks on a spiritual path, or starts their own business. They step into a new personal energy pattern, one that no longer matches their partners’. The relationship once again creates opportunity for growth.
Changing Our Vibrational State
When we shift our vibration, the immediate reaction from our environment will be resistance. This is normal. We’ve gone and upset the status quo. We are temporarily out of alignment with our partner and our life circumstances in general. It is easy at this point to shift back into our old state. Change requires effort! After all, how many times have we decided to adopt a new habit such as a dietary or lifestyle change, only to fall back into what is familiar within a week or so?
Our responsibility in this situation is to maintain our new vibrational state. We are out of alignment with the people and situations in our lives, and this will create a degree of dissonance or conflict for a while. But only from this new state will we attract different circumstances! If we maintain our new energetic state, our life circumstances will adapt to us. This is how we instigate true change – we shift our state of Being, and our environment will also shift to reflect this perfectly.
But what about the people we live with? They will understandably be challenged by changes we make in our lives! They have two choices:
- They can use the vibrational dissonance in the relationship as an instigator for their own growth. They can adapt positively to our new energetic state.
- They can choose to stay exactly where they are.
Growing Together
If our partner chooses to adapt positively to our energetic state, does that mean they have to do exactly what we’re doing? If we’re embarking on a spiritual path, do they have to follow the same spiritual disciplines? Of course not!
Energetic qualities manifest themselves differently for each and every one of us. Expanding into abundance may look like a career change for one person, and learning about new investment strategies for another. Spiritual growth may look like a meditation discipline, or a new hobby. Each of us must find the tools for growth that serve us best on our path.
What matters is that one partner shifts their energetic state of Being, and the other eventually adjusts to match this new state. What that shift looks like for each person is irrelevant. It is far more important that a similar resonance is once again accomplished. Both partners will grow and evolve in their unique way, but their vibrational states will once again align … until one or the other chooses further expansion, and the cycle begins again.
The Mistake: Forcing Growth
I have had countless conversations – especially with my female clients (sorry, ladies!) – that go a little bit like this: “If only I could get my husband to come to yoga with me. I just know he would feel so much better. He doesn’t understand the benefits, but if he experienced it, I know he would love it. But he just refuses to go. He thinks it’s all a bunch of new-age hooey.”
Let’s be very clear about where our responsibilities begin and end. We are each in charge of our own growth. The most valuable gift we can offer a loved one is to grow into a more expansive vibrational state, in the way that best serves us. Then we need to give them time to overcome resistance. It’s not easy on our partners when we create changes in our lives! The second most valuable gift we can offer our partner is the opportunity to match our new vibrational state in their own unique way, through their own choices. This means we don’t drag our partners to yoga classes, or spiritual retreats, or put books on their night stands that we think they “should” read because it would “help” them. Of course it’s wonderful to include our partners in our journey. But if they’d rather not come along, then we must honor and trust their ability to find their own way.
When it comes to the spiritual growth, trying to lead a horse to water is always a bad idea. It’s very tiring for us, and it annoys the horse. It’s far better to fill a trough, put up a big sign that says “Water Here!” and leave it up to them to decide whether they are thirsty - or not.
What If My Partner Won’t Grow or Evolve?
First of all, we must honor their choice, rather than judge it. They wish to stay where they are, and this is an entirely valid decision. However, we now have a decision of our own to make. We can stay where we are so that we do not move too far out of alignment with our relationship. Or we continue on our path. I encounter clients in this situation all the time – they are on the cusp of spiritual expansion. And yet, they have the intuitive understanding that further expansion would move them completely out of resonance with their life partner. They might remain stuck in this uncomfortable state for years, afraid of the consequences of further growth.
If we continue our path of spiritual growth, our vibrational state will shift further and further out of alignment with our partner’s state of Being. Our state is not “better” than theirs – it is simply different. Eventually, though, this energetic misalignment will create a rift within the relationship. The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like. If we become too unlike each other vibrationally, we cannot share our lives with each other.
Polarization
Here we are, growing and expanding and loving it. Our partner might not be coming along, but we tell ourselves that it doesn’t matter. And right when we are thoroughly happy, when we feel as if we have wings and our perspective has shifted to a whole new aspect of consciousness … along comes our partner and takes the wind right out of our sails. They will create drama, or negativity, or resentment. They will become emotionally abusive or passive-aggressive – however this manifests itself, they will get our attention. This may at first happen in small ways that we brush aside. Over time, though, this pattern becomes painfully obvious. On the surface, our partner may seem to support our growth. Eventually, it becomes apparent that they are undermining our efforts.
What’s going on here? Surely our partner isn’t being intentionally hurtful!
In fact, they are merely doing what they can to maintain a vibrational equilibrium they can live with.
Let’s say our partner is still at status quo, where both people were two years ago. We’ve gone off on a bunch of spiritual retreats, have new people in our lives, are now meditating regularly – we’re not the same person we were, and we love our “new” selves. We’ve shifted towards greater light and awareness … let’s call it a +10 on the vibrational scale. (This scale is completely arbitrary and made-up, by the way. I just need a way to illustrate this phenomenon.) Our partner cannot be around our vibrational state if they do not want to change. It is simply not possible for them to be with us and remain unaffected. But they don’t want to grow and evolve. So what do they do? They polarize towards negativity in order to restore equilibrium. They will suddenly exhibit a -10 on the vibrational scale, acting from a place of negativity and unconsciousness. This temporarily restores the status quo – for a day, a week, maybe even a little longer.
If we insist on evolving further, these occurrences of polarization will become more frequent. Eventually, we end up in a daily vibrational tug-of-war that leaves us exhausted and depleted. We feel restricted and limited by our partner. We may feel energetically besieged and unable to be ourselves. We cannot even blame our partner – they have chosen to maintain status quo and are struggling to exercise their choice. Both partners have made choices that put them at energetic odds with each other. One choice is not more valid than the other. The relationship, however, is now in a state of deterioration.
Now What?
I believe that the end of a relationship is never inevitable. As we choose growth, our partner can also at any time choose growth. Sometimes it is a case of being patient until they are ready to make this choice. It might depend on our willingness to put our spiritual evolution on hold. Once polarization occurs, however, the choice to grow and evolve becomes less likely as our partner begins working with negativity. The more they works with negative energies in order to restore a vibrational equilibrium, the more improbable it becomes that they will make the positive choice of expansion. Eventually, the energetic dynamic within the relationship can actually orient our partners towards negativity. Ending the relationship will actually afford them greater opportunity to return to a path of Light, and serve both partners’ highest good.
Spiritual Evolution within Relationships
Ideally, our growth will inspire growth within our partners, and they will inspire us in the same way. I believe we can dance together in beautiful pattern of resonance and dissonance, constantly instigating expansion for each other. Sometimes we are blessed with a partner who will dance with us. Sometimes it is more appropriate to simply dance alone for a while.
How does your spiritual growth affect your relationships? Leave a comment and share!
Blessings,
Andrea
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15 Responses to “Spiritual Growth and Relationships”
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Andrea, I appreciate your treatment of a complex topic.
My idea of spiritual growth is to become ever more conscious of my divinity so as to express my creativity more fully, and I feel inclined to welcome or approach those who share this idea, especially those who share the form I’ve chosen to realize this idea, viz., writing.
As I grow ever more conscious of my divinity, and as I grow ever more capable of expressing it creatively, I find that my relationships are in a constant flux with respect to resonance and dissonance. I am ever mindful of the shifts, enjoying the resonance when it happens, but also taking care to restore harmony if or when I sense the rise of dissonance. Sometimes this works as my intuition guides me, but sometimes the dissonance is too complex for me to bring the dance back into resonance, and so I respectfully detach from it. Certainly, there is sorrow in the detachment, as well as uncertainty with respect to the future status of the relationship, but in retrospect, I often find that it is for the best that I let go of my attachment to the resonance.
I, too, have experienced the apparent demise and death of a close relationship (I say “apparent” from a kosmic perspective). For three years, I enjoyed the most exquisite and wonderful resonance with someone dear to my heart. When the end drew near, and I could not help but feel that the end was drawing near, I fretted and grieved, harbouring vain hopes for a return to the resonance, before finally mourning its end with as much dignity as I could muster.
Andrea,
Your writing continues to inspire and inform. The timing of your post is perfect and helps to explain what I’ve been experiencing of late regarding a recent energy shift and then a corresponding period of fatigue and frustration.
This is an excellent perspective on relationships and growth and one I will pass along and continue to reflect on.
Thanks, as always for your words and your work.
Linda
Andrea,
I was recently giving an interview where so many of the questions were about “dark” aspects of spiritual growth — perhaps it was just the interviewer’s personal frame of reference — but when asked “What is the most difficult thing about your personal spiritual evolution that you were not expecting?”
For me, this topic you’re writing about is it — I have lost so many people in my life who were very dear to me because of my efforts to improve myself…
I was stunned. How can it be, that someone who already loves me would not love a new and improved version of me?
I believe it speaks to the Two Choices you list here.
I struggled for years with something more like “survivor’s guilt” — I made it Out and they chose not to come with me… They chose to be repelled by my energy, even when the opposite should be true.
Julia Cameron wrote that Sometimes, the people you love have to make You the monster in the mirror so that they don’t have to change…
Thank you for your personal exploration here — this is a post I will come back to again.
Slade
Thank you so very much Andrea! This was perfect timing for myself and a few other people in my life. I appreciate your words and openness to sharing your life with us.
I have always understood this on one level or another. This is a wonderful way to explain relationships to people and why they simply do not work out.
Thank you!
Nickie
“it is important to own what we have created, before we bless and release it in order to create something new.” I think this beautifully summarizes the purpose of our service. We help our clients to own their creation, positive or negative, and also assist them in releasing them, as a step of empowerment.
So it’s on us to live this way ourselves. In my case, I had no problem letting go of my friends as I left corporate world — with my parents, on the other hand, I’m looking at how the energetic relationship “ends”.
Best wishes to your renewed life.
Great article, Andrea.
Thank you for sharing with us.
I smiled listening to the teleclass when I heard some other practitioners say that they had grown and changed so much that they had left lots of people behind them. This sounded so similar to my own experiences - over the last couple of months I have had to let go of some of my closest relationships which weren’t serving me or the other person.
And now I’m in such a clear space. Yes, it’s a bit empty and feels kind of weird, but I know it’s a necessary thing to go through to create something different.
Andrea, you touched on a very complex topic that I do not even know how to begin commenting. At the same time, I am glad you’ve done so because it allows me to examine my own thoughts with regards to my own spiritual growth vis-a-vis my spouse. While I appear to be more committed than he is, I cannot say that I’ve evolved so much that our vibrational states are no longer aligned. I’ve also respected his choices, if he decide not to join me in any of the workshops that I attend. I’m prompted to encourage him gently, upon reading your article. I would really hope that we can “dance” together in greater resonance.
Thanks for sharing,
Evelyn
Hi Andrea
Interestingly my anti-spam word today was rent. Rent? Hmmm? A little different than what I usually see here, more ’spiritual’ words. I thought I had something to say and then it shifted a little, added a new twist.
The immediate concrete thought that came to me is about renting an apartment. But just before that, a quick, more subtle message that means the same in the end. It was just a flash and I almost missed it. Impermancy.
When you rent, rather than own your space, there is a definite knowing that this could change. The building could be sold, converted to condos, the rent get too unreasonable for your income. All kinds of things that you really have no control over could change the situation faster than if you had the option of selling or not. But renting also has a different element of freedom that owning does not.
I think your article desribed pefectly the idea that relationships can be decribed in many of the same terms. You have the freedoms associated with renting as well as the benefits associated with owning, comfortability, familairity, etc..
Right now my work is with relationship. In all kinds of ways and framework. Not traditional one-on-one partnership, but this idea of vibrational matching you’ve so clearly described. It comes down to, where is it exactly that I want or need to be? For as you said, if things are not working for me or if they are, and I encounter the situation of mismatched, I can and often do experience the negativity associated with that state. It can be more than just uncomfortable, it can be detrimental.
I find myself then testing even the smallest interactions I’m having with others. It seems the big stuff from one relationship spills over, the excess engery created to deal with the larger things affects other scenarios. Unfortunately sometimes, my awareness doesn’t always catch it until it was a done deal.
And this article of yours seems so applicable to a situation I just recently experienced. A relationship between reader and writer.
It can not only be difficult to know that what one is experiencing is in fact the expansion being worked for, but I guess it often presses the fear button too, without conscious awareness.
I’m laughing with my guides as I get the last message here. Not Father Knows Best, but Subconscious Knows Best. Good to know I have guides with some weird sense of humor…as old tv shows are not my thing! But they did get my attention and get the message across.
Hi Andrea,
This happens to me all the time, both within my relationship and with firends, acquaintances and coworkers. It can be painful to watch how people and activities you loved a year ago suddenly seem so dull by comparison with your current life. It’s hard but necessary to accept this fact.
Vitor
Great Timing,
I too am going through the process of spiritually growing, raising my vibration and having close relationships fall away.
I believe that the traditional relationship is evolving to a more spiritually based union where we will have multiple relationships in one lifetime. We will come together to uplift and support each other to grow spiritually.
When we are in a relationship with anyone in our life, we must love and appreciate that person for who they are right now, in this moment. Then we can enjoy the blessing of who they are at their soul vibration.
This journey can be challenging when our hearts get in the way.
Jodi
Peace - What a beautifully written comment. There does seem to be the sense that, as our spiritual development accelerates, people shift in and out of our lives with greater frequency. Maybe this is also to assist us in practicing detachment.
Linda - Thank you, I’m so glad this was timely for you!
Slade - Oh, you bring up such a great point - yes, why wouldn’t the people we love applaud our accelerated growth and cheer us onward? It’s true that this is so not about us, but about their relationship with themselves.
Nickie - So glad this was appropriate for you. It does help to look at the energetic perspective, so we can let go of “making it work” when, vibrationally, it simply can’t! I’m not advocating giving up easily - but sometimes parting ways is best for all involved.
Akemi - When it comes to family members - well, they’ll always be family, right? It’s important to just leave them be who they are and appreciate them without trying to “help” them.
Anna - That empty, clear space is beautiful - it means you’re ready to attract the people that will help propel you even further forward! And those relationships might look really different from what you’ve been involved with in the past … the quality of our relationships shifts, too.
Evelyn - How wonderful that you feel in resonance with your spouse. And it’s normal that this looks different for each of you. Growth doesn’t always have to be in the context of obvious spiritual development, it can take so many forms.
Barbara - I think you bring up an important point - if we feel contracted within a relationship, that energy DOES spill over into other life areas. We are, after all, whole Beings! Sometimes work within a relationship leads to expansion in many different areas of our lives!
Vitor - I think our egoic Self experiences the pain - and hopefully this teaches us detachment. I’m not sure that our life has to be a revolving door of people if we’re on a path of spiritual growth, just that those people must also be committed to their growth if they’re going to stay in our lives. Hmmm. You’re right, though, I find my hobbies cycle in and out quite frequently.
Jodi - Thank you! I agree with you that our relationships are evolving into something new - there really are no models in front of us, I think, of what they’ll look like. Which is wonderful in many ways, because we get to create what serves us without preconceived notions!
Blessings,
Andrea
Great article Andrea. I’ve felt that sometimes people will just drift away and hopefully its not too tragic. I’ve written about that at http://active-wellness.blogspot.com/.
relationships are only for lessons. lessons end, so should the relationship. a new one will come only if more lessons are needed.
Hi,
i am sitting at my desk on my little organic farm on beautiful Lake Arenal in Costa Rica and feeling the desire for Love, True Love..
So i typed in Spiritual partner in Search for fun…
i am a vegetarian and never married male 6 foot and athletic..160 lbs
love good books, classical and folk music, beauty of nature and seek sentiments of friendship and love….
Since the anti-spam word that i was supposed to type in was “dan”
and my name is Dan…. i decided to type this… Ha ! well see…
sheehandanielj@yahoo.com
Dan
Well said Andrea, well said
Thank You.