Changing Negative People and Situations

Posted on July 24, 2007
Filed Under Soul Realignment, Spiritual Development |

How do we change a situation when people engage in negative behavior? I witnessed a fascinating interaction at my gym the other day. One of the teenage camp counselors (I go to my local YMCA) was trying to calm and placate a preteen youngster who had, apparently, been denied pool privileges for the day because of misbehavior.

For a full five minutes, I listened to this counselor try to reason with the child. She’d be back in the pool tomorrow, the situation was being addressed with everyone involved, it would all work out fine. The child, meanwhile, was working herself up into a frenzy - no, it’ll just happen again, it’s all so unfair, the world is against me … and so forth. The more reasonable and soothing the counselor was being, the more worked up this child became.

From my perspective, as I was stretching down the hall, it was perfectly obvious that this child was highly invested in being upset. She was riding the energy of misery and perceived injustice, and she wasn’t going to get off that ride any time soon. With her focused attention, the counselor was merely providing fuel for the negativity that was brewing. It was like watching someone trying to dowse a fire with gasoline.

It was an eye-opening example of how we allow negative emotions and situations to gain momentum - not just in ourselves, but also in those around us. We’re uncomfortable when someone chooses to be upset, especially when their anger is directed at us. Out of this discomfort, we try to placate, to console, to resolve the situation. But what if we just honored their choice to engage with negative emotions, and stopped feeding the situation with our attention? What if the counselor had said to this child: “I see that you’re upset right now, and that is your choice. When you’re ready to resolve this situation and move on, come and see me,” and had just walked away? No more energy would have fueled the situation, and it would have blown over far more quickly.

I decided to apply my observations to my toddler that afternoon. During a tantrum inspired by her own inability to successfully put on her shoes, I refrained from trying to talk my daughter out of her rage. Instead, I asked her if she would like to go to her room to be upset and cry. Much to my surprise, she toddled off into her room, where she wailed rather aimlessly for a minute or so. Then she reappeared, sniffling but calm, ready for a hug and some help from me in putting on her shoes. I was stunned. By choosing not to engage with her negative emotions, what could have been a twenty-minute ordeal passed in no time at all.

What did I learn from all this? We all have negative thoughts and emotions sometimes. We try hard not to let them take over. But when the people around us choose to embrace their own negative thoughts or emotions, we have a choice of reaction. We can feed energy into the situation, or we can choose not to engage with it. When a person is ready to choose to feel better, we can help them, comfort them, console them. But until they are ready to make that choice, we are merely fueling negativity with our efforts. The next time someone is upset at you - or near you - allow them the dignity of their choice by not trying to talk them out of it. When they are ready to make a new choice, you will be there to support them. In the meantime, disallow their negativity by not giving it the energy it needs to thrive.

Try it out - with your children, co-workers, bosses, and spouses! The results may surprise you.

Blessings,
Andrea