One of the most common relationship concerns among my clients and students is: “What if I evolve spiritually, but my partner doesn’t?” It’s a good question!

Relationships and Spiritual Growth

From a spiritual perspective, relationships serve our growth. That is their only function. We attract people into our lives for the sake of our expansion. They become our mirrors, showing us the aspects of ourselves we deny - both our gnarly, ugly bits and our Divine magnificence. Our relationships with others reflect our relationship with ourselves, which is the same as our relationship with the Divine.

Attracting a Partner

The Law of Attraction is simple: Like attracts like. We attract romantic partners that are in a similar state of spiritual evolution. We will be in a matching vibrational state. We may resonate similarly with abundance, love, or share beliefs about family, relationships, and money. This is why we are drawn to each other. Additionally, the other person will usually hold a vibration we are looking for. Perhaps they are more comfortable receiving than we are, or they inspire the trust we desperately need to have in ourselves and others. The likenesses in our vibrational states allow us to connect. The differences in our vibrational states create opportunity for growth.

Settling into a Relationship

The differences between ourselves and our partner are a tremendous source of growth and learning. We are willing to step out of our comfort zone, our existing patterns and perspectives in order to be with this person, and so we grow. Over time, our vibrational patterns adapt to each other and become increasingly similar. The relationship becomes comfortable and easy. It also ceases to be a source of growth … until one partner or the other decides to once again change their vibrational state. New energetic differences emerge as one partner makes a career change, embarks on a spiritual path, or starts their own business. They step into a new personal energy pattern, one that no longer matches their partners’. The relationship once again creates opportunity for growth.

Changing Our Vibrational State

When we shift our vibration, the immediate reaction from our environment will be resistance. This is normal. We’ve gone and upset the status quo. We are temporarily out of alignment with our partner and our life circumstances in general. It is easy at this point to shift back into our old state. Change requires effort! After all, how many times have we decided to adopt a new habit such as a dietary or lifestyle change, only to fall back into what is familiar within a week or so?

Our responsibility in this situation is to maintain our new vibrational state. We are out of alignment with the people and situations in our lives, and this will create a degree of dissonance or conflict for a while. But only from this new state will we attract different circumstances! If we maintain our new energetic state, our life circumstances will adapt to us. This is how we instigate true change – we shift our state of Being, and our environment will also shift to reflect this perfectly.

But what about the people we live with? They will understandably be challenged by changes we make in our lives! They have two choices:

  1. They can use the vibrational dissonance in the relationship as an instigator for their own growth. They can adapt positively to our new energetic state.
  2. They can choose to stay exactly where they are.

Growing Together

If our partner chooses to adapt positively to our energetic state, does that mean they have to do exactly what we’re doing? If we’re embarking on a spiritual path, do they have to follow the same spiritual disciplines? Of course not!

Energetic qualities manifest themselves differently for each and every one of us. Expanding into abundance may look like a career change for one person, and learning about new investment strategies for another. Spiritual growth may look like a meditation discipline, or a new hobby. Each of us must find the tools for growth that serve us best on our path.

What matters is that one partner shifts their energetic state of Being, and the other eventually adjusts to match this new state. What that shift looks like for each person is irrelevant. It is far more important that a similar resonance is once again accomplished. Both partners will grow and evolve in their unique way, but their vibrational states will once again align … until one or the other chooses further expansion, and the cycle begins again.

The Mistake: Forcing Growth

I have had countless conversations – especially with my female clients (sorry, ladies!) – that go a little bit like this: “If only I could get my husband to come to yoga with me. I just know he would feel so much better. He doesn’t understand the benefits, but if he experienced it, I know he would love it. But he just refuses to go. He thinks it’s all a bunch of new-age hooey.”

Let’s be very clear about where our responsibilities begin and end. We are each in charge of our own growth. The most valuable gift we can offer a loved one is to grow into a more expansive vibrational state, in the way that best serves us. Then we need to give them time to overcome resistance. It’s not easy on our partners when we create changes in our lives! The second most valuable gift we can offer our partner is the opportunity to match our new vibrational state in their own unique way, through their own choices. This means we don’t drag our partners to yoga classes, or spiritual retreats, or put books on their night stands that we think they “should” read because it would “help” them. Of course it’s wonderful to include our partners in our journey. But if they’d rather not come along, then we must honor and trust their ability to find their own way.

When it comes to the spiritual growth, trying to lead a horse to water is always a bad idea. It’s very tiring for us, and it annoys the horse. It’s far better to fill a trough, put up a big sign that says “Water Here!” and leave it up to them to decide whether they are thirsty – or not.

What If My Partner Won’t Grow or Evolve?

First of all, we must honor their choice, rather than judge it. They wish to stay where they are, and this is an entirely valid decision. However, we now have a decision of our own to make. We can stay where we are so that we do not move too far out of alignment with our relationship. Or we continue on our path. I encounter clients in this situation all the time – they are on the cusp of spiritual expansion. And yet, they have the intuitive understanding that further expansion would move them completely out of resonance with their life partner. They might remain stuck in this uncomfortable state for years, afraid of the consequences of further growth.

If we continue our path of spiritual growth, our vibrational state will shift further and further out of alignment with our partner’s state of Being. Our state is not “better” than theirs – it is simply different. Eventually, though, this energetic misalignment will create a rift within the relationship. The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like. If we become too unlike each other vibrationally, we cannot share our lives with each other.

Polarization

Here we are, growing and expanding and loving it. Our partner might not be coming along, but we tell ourselves that it doesn’t matter. And right when we are thoroughly happy, when we feel as if we have wings and our perspective has shifted to a whole new aspect of consciousness … along comes our partner and takes the wind right out of our sails. They will create drama, or negativity, or resentment. They will become emotionally abusive or passive-aggressive – however this manifests itself, they will get our attention. This may at first happen in small ways that we brush aside. Over time, though, this pattern becomes painfully obvious. On the surface, our partner may seem to support our growth. Eventually, it becomes apparent that they are undermining our efforts.

What’s going on here? Surely our partner isn’t being intentionally hurtful!

In fact, they are merely doing what they can to maintain a vibrational equilibrium they can live with.

Let’s say our partner is still at status quo, where both people were two years ago. We’ve gone off on a bunch of spiritual retreats, have new people in our lives, are now meditating regularly – we’re not the same person we were, and we love our “new” selves. We’ve shifted towards greater light and awareness … let’s call it a +10 on the vibrational scale. (This scale is completely arbitrary and made-up, by the way. I just need a way to illustrate this phenomenon.) Our partner cannot be around our vibrational state if they do not want to change. It is simply not possible for them to be with us and remain unaffected. But they don’t want to grow and evolve. So what do they do? They polarize towards negativity in order to restore equilibrium. They will suddenly exhibit a -10 on the vibrational scale, acting from a place of negativity and unconsciousness. This temporarily restores the status quo – for a day, a week, maybe even a little longer.

If we insist on evolving further, these occurrences of polarization will become more frequent. Eventually, we end up in a daily vibrational tug-of-war that leaves us exhausted and depleted. We feel restricted and limited by our partner. We may feel energetically besieged and unable to be ourselves. We cannot even blame our partner – they have chosen to maintain status quo and are struggling to exercise their choice. Both partners have made choices that put them at energetic odds with each other. One choice is not more valid than the other. The relationship, however, is now in a state of deterioration.

Now What?

I believe that the end of a relationship is never inevitable. As we choose growth, our partner can also at any time choose growth. Sometimes it is a case of being patient until they are ready to make this choice. It might depend on our willingness to put our spiritual evolution on hold. Once polarization occurs, however, the choice to grow and evolve becomes less likely as our partner begins working with negativity. The more they works with negative energies in order to restore a vibrational equilibrium, the more improbable it becomes that they will make the positive choice of expansion. Eventually, the energetic dynamic within the relationship can actually orient our partners towards negativity. Ending the relationship will actually afford them greater opportunity to return to a path of Light, and serve both partners’ highest good.

Spiritual Evolution within Relationships

Ideally, our growth will inspire growth within our partners, and they will inspire us in the same way. I believe we can dance together in beautiful pattern of resonance and dissonance, constantly instigating expansion for each other. Sometimes we are blessed with a partner who will dance with us. Sometimes it is more appropriate to simply dance alone for a while.

How does your spiritual growth affect your relationships? Leave a comment and share!

Blessings,
Andrea

Tagged with: • •

Filed under: Releasing Limiting Beliefs • Spiritual Development

Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!