We create a lot of obligation in our lives. Many of us are constantly saying “I have to.†We use this turn of phrase all the time, and not just for important things. No, we have long lists of things we “have to†get done. We have to fold the laundry and do the dishes. We have to buy our friend’s birthday present and call our mother on our lunch hour. We have to meet friends for dinner. We have to get to bed at a decent hour. Tomorrow, after all, there’s a lot we have to get done.
We may use the words “have to†so often that they replace “want to†and “choose to.†Everything becomes an obligation, even the activities that are intended to be fun. Suddenly we “have to†get that baby quilt done. We “have to†bake cookies with our toddler. We “have to†take the grandkids to the zoo. And the weight on our shoulders gets heavier and heavier.
I’m not saying that we don’t have real obligations in this world. Paying the bills, for example, is important. But even paying the bills is a choice. No-one is holding a gun to our heads as we write our checks. We just happen to know that there is an uncomfortable consequence in store for us if we don’t pay for our electricity. We prefer to keep the lights on, and so we pay the bills. The choice, however, is still ours to make.
We frequently impose the obligation of “have to†on ourselves. We may use it as a self-motivational tool, to get more done. We may use it to feel important – there’s so many things we “have to†do, it’s unimaginable that our family or workplace could function without us. When we constantly tell ourselves that we “have to,†we create the illusion that we have no other choice. Sometimes it’s just easier to say that we “have to.†We might be too lazy to make a choice, or too afraid, or too insecure. Saying we “have to†can allow us to avoid the responsibility that comes with making choices. However, we also effectively disempower ourselves when we tell ourselves we “have to.â€
Are you placing an unnecessary amount of obligation on your own shoulders? Here’s a wonderful exercise to try:
Catch yourself saying or thinking “I have to …†Now rephrase the statement. Instead of “I have to call my mother,†use “I want to call my mother.†Ask yourself if this statement is true. It might be – how wonderful for you! Instead of surrendering to an obligation, you are now choosing to do something you want. This will change the energy of your phone call entirely!
What if it’s not true? What if you don’t want to call your mother? Try another version: “I choose to call my mother, because ….†This is where it gets interesting. Is there a consequences that is motivating you? Be honest. “I choose to call my mother because I feel guilty that I haven’t talked to her in two weeks, and I’m afraid she’ll be mad at me if I don’t call.†There are no “good†or “bad†reasons to do anything. There are simply consequences to all of our choices. Some of these consequences are real, such as your electricity getting turned off if you don’t pay your bills. Some of the consequences may be imagined, such as your mother being angry if you don’t call.
The point of this exercise is to take back both the freedom and responsibility of making mindful choices in our lives. If you choose to call your mother to alleviate guilt, that is a totally valid choice. And if you decide that it’s not a “good enough†reason, then this is a valid choice, too. The difference between “want to,†“choose to†and “have to†is the amount of consciousness we bring to our lives.
What do you “have to” do that you really wouldn’t choose? How would this consciousness affect your actions? Leave a comment and share!
Blessings,
Andrea
Filed under: Embrace Your Highest Path and Purpose
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Oh boy this would change up my entire world
I have lived my life up until this very moment in a way that doesn’t feel very good. Well, i’ve made choices to do things because the consequences of not doing them were not tolerable, or at least I didn’t think they were. But in the long run, i’ve been unhappy with the way my life has been moving because I’m surviving instead of living! Just recently I have had deeper understanding of why I should start doing things because I want to do them and not to avoid the other person(s) reaction to my decisions. It’s scary, but in order for me to free myself of the burden I place on myself, I must move in this direction. Interesting that you decided to post this blog at the time you did, Andrea, because it fits perfectly into what growing pains I am experiencing! Thank you so very much and it sure does help to motivate me to keep making decisions because I WANT to and not to avoid peoples dissatisfied reactions…
Incredibly powerful, Andrea! I can’t think of anything else to say, but wow! This is an important step in reclaiming one’s own power, and raising self-esteem. No longer are we under the illusion that we are powerless, buffeted by the outside world – but now we see that we are being run by our own subconscious drives and fears.
Cheers,
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net
Modern personal development, entwined with ancient spirituality.
This article comes at a good time for me. I’m in a situation where I am really having to question and be honest and discerning about my emotions and my motivations, and the “I want/choose…, because…” exercise is the tool I need.
Great article Andrea– it is SO important to generate awareness of our thought patterns which tell us “we HAVE to do this and that”. Just the awareness itself is a powerful growth step. Thank you for this…
Todd
Hi Andrea,
I just wrote my own article about the power of words, mine regarding SHOULD’s, and now reading this article feeling some kind of synchronicity. Words do shape our minds. (Are we especially sensitive to this because English is our second language?)
It’s Friday — hey, let’s make it a day I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to!
I have been studying Eckhart Tolle lately so let me spread my Tolle-esk wings here for a minute. Sometimes we are so mind identified with a role that we do not have a choice. For instance, if we are locked into our identity as son or daughter, from that perspective, we may truly have no choice but to call our mother. Not calling would draw her anger, disappointment or whatever unpleasant response which, to the ego, feels like annihilation. We have choices only when we dis-identify with our minds and their roles.
In between being a bit disorienting from time to time, getting out of that mind identified state has been entertaining at times. It’s amusing to watch little me (ego) try to blow some small thing up into an identity and run around in circles defending its existence.
As I’ve said before, I’m a human being not a human doing (a fact I remind myself of several times a day). I “have to†bring consciousness into the world of form. I “have to†be. Everything else is a choice. Which choices I make are of little importance because (thank you vipassana meditation and Buddha) everything in the universe is subject to the law of impermanence; it rises and it passes away. A hundred years from now it won’t matter.
Making any task into an end in itself rather than a means to an end; doing even the most routine task mindfully and being totally in the moment with every step of it really changes the energy of it (even calling your mother). It really is amazing. I have a forty mile commute to and from work. Not a thing I would necessarily choose. While I drive I take part of my awareness into my body and feel what is going on there. I involve all of my senses. I feel the seat pressing against my body. I feel the steering wheel in my hands, the slight vibration the accelerator sends into the bottom of my foot. The smell of the interior of my vehicle, the beauty of the clouds in the sky in front of me (the distance of the vehicle in front of me), the sounds of the engine and the traffic around me. I become completely involved in the driving; deeply in the moment. The experience takes on a totally amazing energy. Driving becomes peaceful and a great deal of fun. Even the occasional traffic jam is fine. I’m in the moment. There is nothing I can do to change the situation so I can surrender to it and know that it will change (that law of impermanence thing again). I could become impatient with the delay but that would bring on suffering and change nothing so why not just be in that moment fully and deeply experience all that is going on around me.
I’m a long way from perfect with this practice but I try to apply it to more of the tasks I perform at work and other parts of life. It’s a job in itself keeping the gag in the mouth of my egoic mind. With mundane tasks, especially at work my mind wants to spin off into the future or past. I’m constantly lassoing it back into now and it really hates that.
Sorry to have posted such a long reply Andrea. My point is that we have the power to change the energy of all those “have too’sâ€. It’s pretty much all in how we look at it, which was your point in the first place. All I really have to say is, “Right on!â€
Peace,
David
Nickie – Sounds like you are in the middle of an exciting paradigm shift! These kinds of transitions – when we recognize a pattern and then start taking action to change it – can be amazingly rewarding and scary at the same time. And then, once the shift is completed, you’ll wonder how you ever lived any other way! So glad this was a timely article for you!
Matt – I’m so glad this is a tool that might serve you!
Todd – Thank you! I totally agree with you – simple awareness is an incredibly powerful force that is inevitably followed by change.
Akemi – Hurray, we’re on the same page! “Should” is another one of my least favorite words
It is a good day indeed to do what we want … I’m getting a mani/pedi! A little self-pampering to start the weekend!
David – Wow! You are doing amazing work … yes, harnessing the mind to the present demands constant vigilance, doesn’t it? Here’s a thing I’d like your take on – “which choices I make are of little importance.” Hmmm, I don’t know. That sounds like there’s no purpose to our presence here. How do you fold the idea of Soul purpose into that non-importance of choice? And the concept of karma? Do tell! I’d love to get your perspective.
Thank you all for your comments!
Blessings,
Andrea
“I “have to†bring consciousness into the world of form. I “have to†be.”
That doesn’t sound like no purpose to me. The rest is just details and not important to the larger picture. Maybe I don’t understand what you mean by “purposeâ€. We can get caught up in the details and drive ourselves crazier than we already are, or we can focus on what is actually important which is this moment now.
When we get caught up in the destination we lose sight of the importance of the journey. The only step that is important is the one we’re taking now. If enlightenment, peace, fulfillment is always in the future; after we read or write this next book, or take this or that class or whatever, we are entirely missing the point. The homeless person with the cardboard sign on the freeway exit may be making a greater contribution to raising the vibration of humanity and the Universe than the pope. Adolf Hitler may have inadvertently set humanity on it’s inevitable course to ascension or he may have confirmed our reservation with oblivion. We can’t know or judge that from our limited linear perspective. Nor is it important. Nothing real is ever lost. The story just continues somewhere else in the Universe as it has before.
What we are looking for is not outside of ourselves or at some point in the future. It is within us and always has been and it’s available now. In fact it is only available now because now is the only time we have. Everything else is an illusion and doesn’t matter at all (along with all the “have too’sâ€).
I have a pretty mundane job. It pays next to nothing and I have to drive over 70 miles round trip. I pay almost a quarter of my net income in gas to get to and from work. I could well wonder what the point is. It would be easy to feel that here is no purpose to it and that in fact it’s not worth it. But it is teaching me valuable lessons everyday about the importance of bringing consciousness into whatever I do no matter how mundane. It’s teaching me to surrender to what is in this moment without judgement. I’m getting way more than a paycheck out of it. It may come to an end soon. In this economy I wouldn’t be surprised. So if you see me on a freeway exit with a cardboard sign pull up and give me a dollar. God bless.
If bringing consciousness into the world of form isn’t the only purpose, I’ve totally wasted my life and I understand nothing (which is entirely possible).
Peace,
David
Hi David – Thanks for the response! I do so love discussing these types of issues, so I really appreciate you writing about your perspective!
I agree the basic purpose we all have is raising our consciousness – maybe less for the sake of the world, but for our own sake, although that is essentially the same thing, since we’re all One! I actually pretty much agree with everything … except for the “nor is it important” part, I think. Or maybe we’re saying the same thing in different ways.
I think the choices we make, the actions we take, are of utmost importance. We can make those choices from a place of ego, or from a place of higher consciousness. On the outside, they will look the same perhaps. I agree that it’s impossible to judge this for another’s actions! But in the midst of being present and embracing a very high level of consciousness, we are also here to create something. Actually, it’s impossible for us not to create something, since even not doing anything has a consequence. But to bring consciousness to that act of creating our experience … isn’t that how we emulate the Divine?
I guess my focus is “What am I creating in this moment?” I could be creating anger, or peace, or I could be creating something that is an expression of my Higher Self. But I do think it’s important for us to recognize ourselves as Creators, and we create through our choices. So, doesn’t that make our choices important?
Like I said, we may be saying the same thing through different perspectives! I do love comments like yours, they get me thinking!
Let me know your thoughts on this …
Blessings,
Andrea
Andrea, I still haven’t started the baby quilt yet. I really am not in the “have to” mode lately. Even though I say, “I have to . . .”, I am not actually doing those “have to’s”. There is some internal resistance to the doing. I am being still and looking at the resistance to see where it is coming from.
My most recent “have to” had to do with your last two classes. “I have to do the assignment.” You told me to listen to my guides when they say “Wait.” Thanks for that. I did, so I didn’t do the writing assignment. “Even though I have a headache, I paid for the class so I have to dial into today’s class.” I listened to my body and didn’t make the last class. Hooray for me. In the past, I would have ignored the headache and made the phone call to connect to a class that would have been meaningless to me through the fog of the pain. I am so thankful that you recorded each of the classes.
It is an eye opener to me to listen to my guidance when it tells me to ignore the “have to’s.” I have been so super-responsible for most of my life. There is such freedom in letting go of those irresponsible expectations of myself and others.
I loved the class that you did on intuition. I would highly recommend it to everyone. I learned so much about intuition and myself in the process. Thanks.
Wow – do you know how much rewriting I would have to do in my mind? As much as it is, from reading this piece, I realize that it would help me so much
I use “have to” very very often and it probably contributes to my consistent state of heightened stress. Thank you for this insightful piece
Being concious of how I speak to myself is important to my growth
ooh and
I WANT to be a happy, peaceful woman who experiences life through consciousness and love.
See – getting there already.
THANK YOU!
I love the discussion too. It shows me what level my knowing is at (apologies for the ending preposition).
I used the word “world†in a general way, but actually what I mean is the Universe. We are, after all, the Universe experiencing itself and evolving in the process. Self, World, Universe; it’s all one. I do believe the Planet and human kind are at a volatile point in our evolution however. I believe that human kind must make the evolutionary step out of our mind based madness and into ascension or the Planet will do what she must to protect herself. So yes, I agree that raising our consciousness is more for humankind’s sake than the Planet. She is a living, intelligent entity and quite capable of taking care of herself. I’m hopeful for human’s though. Blogs like yours and the people here reading and commenting on them shows that more and more of us are awakening to our Life’s purpose and raising our vibrational frequenciy. But again, if we don’t make the shift as a species the gains we have made will not be lost. The story simply picks up somewhere else in the Universe where we left off. We as consciousness find another classroom and pick up where we left off.
As for the “nor is it important†statement; what I’m saying is that it’s how we do what we do that is important not what we do. We are indeed creators and we can’t not create anymore than we can not be. We can and should plan what we want to do during our little exercise with form and linear time. But we must remain conscious of the fact that form and linear time are both illusions and we are here to bring consciousness through the illusion. The way to do that is to wrestle control from the egoic mind and the way to do that is to bring our consciousness into this moment now. It is the only thing that is real.
I no longer ask my Higher Self and/or Guides what my life’s purpose is. I know what that is. It is to bring consciousness into the dimension of linear time and form. Creation will be a by-product of the process because, as I said before, we can’t help it. While I’m at it I need some classrooms and teachers to assist me in fulfilling that purpose. How that looks is entirely up to me. It’s not important whether I decide to be Mother Teresa or stand at a freeway exit with a cardboard sign that says, “Homeless. Anything helps. God Bless.†(I seem to be fascinated with those guys).
So, yes, I believe we are both saying the same thing in different ways.
It was almost a year ago when I asked my Guide Team for a teacher. Shortly thereafter I connected with you through my friend Tim. I am so grateful to my Team for that blessing and to you for all I’m learning from you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Peace,
David
Andrea, Thanks again for a wonderfilled post……due to your words, I am also gifted with the words by David, when he shared…”We have choices only when we dis-identify with our minds and their roles.” That is a very interesting concept to me to add to your post of concepts.
With the areas in my life that I am progressing in, my relationship with my mother, my relationship with my life-partner, and ultimately, my relationship with myself, since the crux of any “promblems/issues”, I believe lies in “self” first, this is timely.
I have felt major obligations to my mother, all my life, she started sharing her marriage issues with me when I was in grade school. I was no better equipped then, as I am still not to help her fix her “stuff”. She is on her own path and I can only lend a hand up or over, as the case may be. Only recently have I gained that little bit of mental ground.
Then, with my Sweetie, who, Goddess Bless him, is worse with relationship/intimacy, than I am, I have felt so stongly that I needed to lead us forward, onward, find us tools, point out where we are less than grand so that improvements can be concentrated there.
Where I got all that is ingrained maybe from parenting and being a first child perhaps, yet, it does not work, does it folks?!?
Each person’s path is unique to them, we are blessed when someone is interested/willing to share a path as a partner. It is not an obligation, whether married or not. We each walk alone. At times we have a hand to hold, a shoulder to share, a kindred soul with a hankie for the toughest days. Yet, that is a blessing, not a must, should, have to from or for anyone.
Thanks so much Andrea for opening the doors of thought and progress that you do for all of us and TY also to all others that share with comments on these posts.
Life, for me, is lighter with the help of others………………
Patricia – This is fantastic! See, the “have to” is all Lower Self, whereas your Higher Self knows what will truly serve you. It’s wonderful that you are now allowing your Higher Self to “override” the Lower Self – hurray!!!!
Jemi – What a funny coincidence (although there’s no such thing, really) – I was just over at your blog when your comment came in! Great article on conquering money struggles! Thanks for commenting here!
I’m glad this article sparked something for you. As hard as rewriting the mental chatter can be, sometimes it opens incredible doors to new shifts in consciousness!
David – Thank you for continuing the discussion. I totally agree with you – what we do is unimportant. The intent and energy behind our actions, who we are being while we are doing, is everything! Looks like we’re definitely on the same page!
You bring up an interesting point – not asking what your purpose is. I agree that at some level of connectedness, the question completely falls away. That’s because you are being your purpose. No need to ask anymore – you’re in the middle of it. And of course, it can look like you’re not “doing” anything differently. But who you are “being” has shifted. Beautiful – how exciting for you! This is now where conscious creation can really take place (no more focus on those guys by the freeway … no need to manifest THAT, unless you really want to!
)I know that you’ve done a tremendous amount of work to get here! Thank you for allowing me to be a small part of your journey!!!
Victoria – You are bringing up something SO important! Are we truly honoring the people in our lives when our relationships are filled with a sense of obligation? You are right – in the end, we each have to walk our own path. We can support each other, but in the end, it’s all up to each individual. As far as the support – that can come from a place of joy – or obligation. Our choice …. right?
It’s one of the ways we create our relationships.
Thank you all so much for adding to this post through your comments!
Blessings,
Andrea
Andrea – sorry for getting in so late on this discussion. Wow – the comments have been extraordinary.
Where I appear to be now on this path is not being so much involved with the “have to’s”. I’ve had to learn (especially over the last 5 months) is to give up trying to fix and control what I thought was my life. It hasn’t worked and now learning to be present and breathe it in and feel it throughout each day creates an energy and desire to do whatever comes up needing to be done. I have a different attitude throughout my day when I align with being present. Somehow, doing the “have to’s” aren’t the same as they used to be.
Not quite sure I’m explaining it clearly but it’s a start. Interesting post to discuss and read what others are experiencing.
Blessings,
Andrea,
You explain this concept very well. I notice in the coaching that I do, the place where most people make huge differences in their lives is when they integrate this knowledge. I often ask people to sit and feel the difference in their body when they think of “have to” or “should” and then I ask them to notice how they *feel* when they say “I choose” It is exciting to support people in taking their power back so they can truly create a life they love…it does begin with awareness of our “choice” of words and the energetic pulse they send out. Thank you for your post!