When I was just beginning my spiritual journey, I studied meditation at a ten-day Vipassana retreat. These retreats are not for the faint of heart. “Noble Silence” is held for the duration of the course (not easy for a chatterbox like me) and the schedule calls for about ten hours of meditation daily. On the fourth day of the retreat, the meditation sessions of Strong Determination are introduced. For an hour, students are expected to meditate without moving a muscle – no twitching, shifting, or rearranging of aching legs and backs. The point is to observe every physical sensations that might arise with detachment, knowing that everything is temporary.
I remember going into the first of these sessions with a great deal of trepidation. I had no idea whether I could sit completely still for an hour, enduring muscle cramps and discomfort without moving. But I was certainly determined to try. I sat down and began the meditation practice, observing the sensations of the body, scanning from the top of the head to the soles of the feet as we had been instructed. I focused my mind into disciplined observation. And after what seemed like a mere five minutes, the chant that announced the end of the hour began. I was stunned. I walked out of the meditation hall with my head high, full of pride. Obviously, I was extremely good at meditating. The rest of the course was going to be far easier than I had ever imagined. Heck, I rocked this meditation stuff!
You can imagine what happened when I sat down to the next session of Strong Determination later that day. It was an hour of pure, agonizing torture. It was possibly the longest hour of my life as every bone and muscle protested and my mind resisted and argued against the pain. How could this have happened? Why was the same exact exercise that was so easy in the morning so excruciating only hours later?
The answer, of course, is attachment. I had no expectations of myself for the first session. There was no attachment to an outcome, there was only the experience itself. And it was wonderful. So wonderful, in fact, that my mind immediately attached itself to the experience of such intense focus, to having an hour pass by in what seemed like five minutes, with no physical discomfort whatsoever. My mind wanted to recreate this experience, and my ego expected nothing less of me. Needless to say, I never had such an effortless meditation experience again during the rest of the retreat.
This is the conundrum of spiritual development work. We do our work, and are sometimes granted seductive moments of revelation, of bliss, of perfect Being-ness. Then the chase begins. How can we reclaim the experience? We may go flitting about from workshop to yoga class to meditation practice to chanting kirtan to energy work, searching for bliss. New experiences bring new moments of spiritual accomplishment, only to lose their punch when we begin to expect the “high.” We keep searching, failing to recognize that we have become attached to the outcome of bliss, the promise of enlightenment.
The sure way to remain unenlightened is to become attached to enlightenment itself. The more we crave reunion with our Creator, the more elusive the enlightened state becomes. And yet, moving towards enlightenment requires hard work and discipline. It is a dilemma. How do we seek enlightenment without striving for enlightenment?
Doing our spiritual development work, expecting nothing but what arises in the moment, without any yearning towards a particular outcome or reward – this, perhaps, is the greatest challenge and lesson of non-attachment. It is a lesson that serves us well in all aspects of life. Can we love and work and play without expectation of any result? Can we simply allow ourselves to be in every moment, doing what we are doing because it is an expression of who we are in that very moment, regardless of any outcome?
I think this might be what is means to be an enlightened Being in this world. I think we’ve all caught glimpses of this enlightened state on our journey, and that the potential lies within all of us. But can we in those moments of bliss stop ourselves from exclaiming “This is IT!” and allow the moment to be, without wanting to prolong this state? I think it is possible. I think it is a state that quietly waits for us in its confounding simplicity, when we move beyond attainment, beyond receiving, into pure Being.
What are your thoughts on striving towards enlightenment? Can we get “there”? Leave your comments and share, please!
Blessings,
Andrea
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Though I had never thought of it that way, I think what you’re saying makes a lot of sense. It also reminds me of your recent blog of intention vs. goals. Goals tend to expect the outcome, whereas intentions are more in the moment, allowing whatever outcome will come to come because you’re not attached to having to have a specific outcome.
I think that it all kind of routes back to fear, though. We’re afraid we’ll never feel that way again, that we’ve somehow lost a piece of ourselves that we valued so much and can’t get back. I think letting go of that fear is the first step to letting go of the attachment. Much like love, if you cling on with fear that the people you love will leave you, your own fear tends to push those loved ones away. But, if you let go of the fear, everything seems to just be better.
That’s my two cents anyway. :} I certainly still have progress to be made in this area myself, though! It’s easier to say than to do.
Andrea,
I am loving your blog more and more…
You state everything so clearly, and beautifully.
My understanding or experience is there is no where to go, nothing to do… all thats needs be is a dropping of the mind, of the knowledge, of the wanting and the desiring.
When all is dropped, there we are, in the moment. Experiencing.
Much joy,
KL
Hi Andrea
I’m really enjoying your blogs and all of them seem to have synchronicity with my own thoughts which is great. My favourite comedian recently made a comment that if you took all of the CCTV footage from Harley Street in London you would just see him in and out of every treatment centre up and down that street, I though this was funny – if you checked out the CCTV footage up north you would see me doing the exact same thing, searching for something or other and recently I’ve come to the conclusion that while I’ve had some success in following that path I’ve grown less bothered with it – which is a good sign, I’m not as anxious and expectant when I meditate or go for a treatment, it is what it is. I used to attend a regular meditation circle and every week when I went I expected that the answers to all of my problems would be presented to me, concentrating so hard on all of the questions I had provided me with no answers. I finally got fed up – it sounds funny but the last week I went I was thinking to myself as we all closed our eyes ‘no I’m not doing it I can’t be bothered anymore’ and I just concentrated on my breathing – it was one of the most amazing meditations I’ve ever had. Being in the moment was the answer!
Dreamsenshi – you’re right, this kind of non-attachment is easy to talk about, less easy to practice! And I think you are also correct in leading attachment back to fear. When we’re centered in love, we need no attachment because love is fulfilling in and of itself. When we’re coming from a place of fear, however, we are always grasping.
KL – thank you! The term of “dropping it” has been coming up in all kinds of conversations in my life lately, so it’s funny that you use it here. I had the image when I was talking to a client recently of just wrapping all those thoughts of wanting and craving and getting somewhere around a big stone and just – dropping it. And then we can be naked like a baby, totally unselfconsciously experiencing the joy of the moment.
Sue – thanks so much for sharing that experience here! That’s a perfect example – the minute we let go of expecting any result we receive the true benefit of spiritual practice. And then the next step is to let go of that wonderful experience also and embrace what presents itself next. It’s tough – especially when we are sometimes graced with some truly mind-blowing experiences, it’s hard to not become attached to that bliss and wonder.
Blessings,
Andrea
Andrea,
I congratulate you on your courage on attending the vipassana retreat. I understand that they can be really grueling.
One problem many practitioners of meditation have is short-lived enthusiasms. Retreats of this sort can be beneficial, but it is up to the meditator to establish a sustainable and regular practice outside any type of “intensive.” Whether it is ten minutes of meditation daily, or one hour, it should be done regularly, without fail, for results to manifest. The on again, off again method is doomed to failure, eventually leading to the abandoning of the practice through lack of results.
The old saying applies: “Plod rhymes with God.”
Hi ReddyK,
Yes, the retreats are not easy. There were times when I wanted to jump up and run screaming out of the meditation hall.
You are totally correct – an intensive course can put our feet firmly on the path, but we still have to walk that path! I agree that on/off meditation practice isn’t the way to go … actually, it is usually when we get bored or uninspired by our practice that we have the opportunity to apply our will and determination. Usually, results are right around the corner, when we’re ready to throw in the towel. I think that’s part of the non-attachment we need to cultivate.
These days, I meditate just because it’s what I do. It took me a long time to settle into this sort of regular practice, but now it’s second-nature.
Thank you so much for contributing your thoughts. I very much enjoy your blog!
Blessings,
Andrea